Coffee in my Left Hand, Where is the love in my right?
Heeey! It’s me again. Yes, I know I’ve been missing in action lately, but don’t call it a comeback, I never left you. Life came at your girl real fast and knocked me around a bit. But if you know any Black women, it’s hard to keep us down. We are the most bounce back creature God created!
I’ve been thinking about the state of love around me. The series Black Love, featured on the OWN network (check it out, it’s great), profiled several couples and their triumphs, struggles and endearing thoughts on love. I looked around me, and didn’t see many couples in love. I was relieved to know a few, but given my age and the ages around me, you’d just assume there’d be anniversaries popping off everywhere all the time. Nope. I asked some single friends this question “when was the last time you were in love?” and received some surprising and not so surprising answers. Names and identifying details have been hidden, but many had given me permission to use their info.
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Male-1991, not since undergrad, I won’t let myself
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Female -2011, last real boyfriend
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Male-2007, it’s been 10 years, the time flies by real fast
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Female-2000, just don’t trust these dudes with my heart, you know
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Male-1993, I still compare women to her
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Female-Never, I’ve said it but looking back I didn’t mean it
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Male- 2015, I was in love with her, but the feeling wasn’t mutual
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Female-1998, I barely remember what it feels like
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Male—2016, made love to this one woman and was in love
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Female-2003, haven’t met anyone worth falling for like ‘him’
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Male- 2002, I thought I had found ‘the one’
I listed the gender because both sexes tend to feel that the other side has it so much easier. I’m guilty of that all the time. Also, we stereotype men as just looking for sex, or saying “I love you” to get sex. Again, this isn’t a scientific study but I promise you, none of the men I spoke to were cavalier in their answers. There was sincerity, and longing and fondness of the loves lost in their responses. Maybe I just know dope men, but still.
Women also get a bad rap about falling in and out of love with every dude they give their number to. The world would have you think we doodle guys names on the back of the cell phone bill just because he made an actual phone call. These women didn’t sound bitter, or angry; just still looking for someone to love (hopefully you sang a little Mint Condition while reading that. Yeah, we still do that here ☺ ). And weren’t we surprised that the one person to admit they’ve never even been in love was a woman? She knows what she wants and is willing to wait on it. Now, she’s not sitting in the house with her 15 cats, but she’s not throwing her heart to the wind, either.
Both women and men are romantic, are open to love (well two were not willing to risk it) and yet still not finding it. What the heezy is going on, people?! We’re out here going without romantic love in our lives. Now, no one said they were going without sex, just acknowledging they aren’t falling in or staying in love. Why can’t we find love? Everyone is dating, and boning (are y’all old enough to remember that’s what we used to call it?) but relationships aren’t being formed, marriages aren’t lasting, and anniversary bottles are not being popped. How we do get from DM’s to I do’s? From swipes to snuggles? Do we even believe in relationships anymore? Have our hurts and disappointments kept us from surrendering to it? Not one single person said they didn’t believe in love, but it seems to be escaping us. Hit me in the comments on why you think it’s escaping us and we’ll make this a twofer. I know I owe you a lot of entries and since that in love thing has escaped me too for the moment, I have plenty of time.
Coffee in my Left Hand, looking for love in my Right.
coffeeinmyleft.blog 
First I want to thank you for writing a well balanced, well thought out, thought provoking piece regarding love and the sexes. No finger pointing and no blame given. It’s eye opening and sad to realize there are less anniversaries and more members of the singles club. Personally I think the way we get back to falling in love is nurturing our male-female relationships. That’s right, let’s learn how to be friends again! Lay that friendship foundation, create those sparks, COMMUNICATE, go out on some date, COMMUNICATE, create more sparks, COMMINUCATE, realize the friendship can be more than friendship and BOOM…take a chance on love. Yes a very simplistic view of falling in love. But what do we have to lose? We can’t spend the rest of our lives protecting our hearts and playing the hurt game. This isn’t an overnight process or a simple one. But definitely necessary to make love happen. At the end of the day, the foundation of love is…wait for it….friendship! Many friends, One Love…
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Wow!! You’ve hit a critical point with friendships! A lot of people still think men and women can’t be friends; maybe that’s why the skill set needed to develop relationships is missing? Excellent points and thanks for commenting 😊
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Luv it
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Thanks Tracey!
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Great article
I’m single and have t found love and so I’m not sure why. I do go on dates but no one lasts or we date and text and don’t talk or we don’t have enough in common. Anyway like those in your article I am still hoping to find love and in the meantime I’m trying to remain open and not closed off.
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Great article
I’m single and have not found love and I’m not sure why. I go on dates but no one lasts (guys just stop calling or texting) or we date and text and don’t talk or we don’t have enough in common. Anyway, like those in your article I am still hoping to find love and in the meantime I’m trying to remain open and not closed off.
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Hey Chitown, how long has it been since you’ve been in love (not just a relationship)?
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Beautifully written!!
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Thanks Sheneka!!
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Great conversation starter! And that’s what I think a lot of men and women need to be involved in these days – conversation. It’s not just the teens and young adults with their heads pointed towards a screen texting, facebooking, snapping, and instagramming. Make a phone call and talk. Show up in person and keep the phone out of sight with the volume off (keep it on vibrate if you truly expect an emergency.) And I do agree that friendship is the beginning and the basis for a successful relationship and love. But how will the friendship develop if you don’t really talk to someone and get to know them. If most interactions are buffered by the time to think of a response to text back. You loose the sponteneity of real talk. I’m the rarity these days – about to celebrate 29, yes that’s right 29 years of marriage. Started before the technology and surviving through it. Stay open to love!
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29?? What a blessing!! I’ve been talking to folks ( mostly text…lol) about the whys. That’s next!!
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What a great piece! In the words of Lauryn Hill, “It could all be so simple But you’d (us) rather make it hard.” There are many variables at play that keep some of us hopeful to receive love and be in love but either the opportunities to engage are rare or meaningless. Recently, I have been reading Bell Hooks’ All About love (haven’t finished yet) and your piece reminds me of her writing in that have we sat with not only ourselves but with each other (family, friends, men, women, children) and discuss what it means to love and what it takes? And love as love, not romantic nor platonic. But the action of loving others and ourselves without condition. Can’t wait for you to dive into the whys? That might have to become a short novel. Ijs lol
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Beautifully written, thought provoking and hopeful. Thank you, coffeeinmyleft, for sharing your creative genius with me. May we all find love, support and excellent kama sutra😄😄.
And yea, I jammed to mint condition in my head!
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From DM’s to I Do’s, great tagline. I would be curious to know how many people have developed an authentic relationship from a DM.
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Since the last time I was single the “mack” line could be as simple as “I’ll come study with you.”…and the only drink you had to worry about getting came with the burrito from LaBamba, my position may be “dated”. However, since I was not a “mack” (yes, I REALLY planned on studying…not “clueless”, just priority.) and I had no problem treating a friend or “interest” to a meal. ALL of my intimate/girlfriend relationships started as friendships. In fact, since high school, my friendship “base” has been primarily female…and the “benefits” with those friends circumvent the ones the world anticipate has/will happen. I say that to say that–and it may have been stated (I have not read the other replies, yet)–the basis for relationships s/b friendship. Of course, not everybody will be your friend, but that avoids them “progressing”…and you regretting it, later. Also, HONEST communication helps to eliminate MIS-communication/-interpretation later. Sure, you can take this with a grain of salt from a “non-player/playette”, but, over the years, I have seen that the game has not changed since high school–maybe grammar school, just the “cost” to play it. Maybe we start the intro with a piece of paper or cocktail napkin: “Do you like me? Y or N (circle one)”
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The next time I’m out and I see a cute guy, I’m going to do this I swear! Lol
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…oh yeah, if you did include names with the “when was the last time…” responses, your blog would have become a dating site.😁
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