Coffee in my Left Hand, Computer Love in my Right
Hey Coffee lovers! It’s been a minute; I miss you when you’re not here.
Sooo, I promised you that I’d be trying some computer dating (Shooby-doo-bop, shoo-doo-bop, I wanna love you), given that love seems to be elusive for so many lately. Here’s where we stand. I say ‘we’ because you’re so kind to go on these journeys with me; I ship all of you. No, not you Fat Jesus; slide it on back! Now, you should have gotten both of those references; if not, see the usher in the lobby for further instructions.
I tried out Bumble. For those of you worse off than me (and you can’t possibly be more unaware than me, trust) Bumble is a dating/networking (yeah right) sight that is geared toward the woman doing the initiating. No strange men in your DM, which is the reason I agreed to try it. Women scan, pass or select the men, and then where there is a match, the woman initiates the contact. Now those who know me best would tell you, “Vonn is not going to reach out to a man first, we’ve been telling her to do this for years.” Ok, no lies told. I have decided however, that this is preferred (so far) to some other sites. About 5 years ago, a certain Baby Sister of mine who shall be left nameless suggested I get on a site that rhymes with Denty of Bish. Chile, there were folks pinging me and DMing me all day and it was just all the grimy sludge you can imagine! I deleted it after a week, and haven’t indulged in another site until this one. A professional woman who I respect said she met her boyfriend on Bumble so I felt if there was ever a site to try, this might be it.
So, flash forward to the present. I did some viewing (within 30 miles of my house, age 45-57) and here’s what went on in my head as I swiped:
Swipe 1 Handsome, white, Harvard; probably arrogant
Swipe 2 Not bad, white, U of I; I don’t like boats
Swipe 3-7 Cute, white, I don’t like pets, sweater vests or skinny mustaches and what’s up with all the boats?
Swipe 8 Cute, Hispanic, seems short in the picture
Swipe 9 Not bad, Black, I can’t do Steve Harvey suits
Swipe 10 Cute, Black, throwing up hooks in the pic can’t be a good sign
Swipe 11 YIKES! I know him, that’s probably a whole blog in and unto itself
Swipe 12 Handsome, white, artsy fartsy, another doggone boat
Swipe 13- until they cut me off, I found something that was just not pow! enough to select any
So, for my Caucasian Sisters from another Mister, this is the site for you! The men were handsome (vast majority), educated, LOVED BOATS, liked Petdren (as my friend calls them) and seemed not too serial killer-ish. I almost pulled the trigger on a couple myself. Then I started imagining all the boat loving, 45 lovers, or the Peta loving fur haters and couldn’t do it. Did they like greens? Would they understand my blog or my poetry? Can they play Bid and Taboo? My mind had questions.
Now, you might be thinking “Vonn, you discounted some men for stupid reasons. What do you have against boats and pets, and what did Steve Harvey ever do to you to make you cringe at the sight of his suits? What’s up the Ques?” Those are all good questions. After swiping myself into Bumble time out, I had to ask myself the same thing. Am I not open enough? Could it be that no matter how safe the option, the Vonn of 2 paragraphs ago simply does not want to do the choosing (well, not initially anyway). Do I walk away too quickly? Am I the epitome of the woman described as too picky? Will Cam Newton make the Steve Harvey suit fly one day? Was my trigger finger too lazy? What should I try next? Comment and tell me what you think; this might take a village and a whole carafe of French pressed coffee for this one.
Coffee in my Left Hand, Computer Love in my Right…
@coffeeinmyleft 
coffeeinmyleft.wordpress.com 
Great blog Vonn. You can look at it 2 ways. It can be compared to McCafe vs Starbucks we know what we like. Or trying a new creamer may not be as bad as the package looks. This is a great journey to follow with you
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My heart goes out to you. But I totally feel you. At the end of the day, you need someone that gets “you” without you having to explain yourself. But maybe give the guy with the Steve Harvey suit a chance? Maybe he doesn’t dress like that all the time? Wishing you all the best!
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Thanks for sharing your experience with dating via the Bumble app. I have tried a variety of different apps and other online options such as Match. I wouldn’t have suggested Bumble to you based off what little I know of you; however, kudos for trying something new and different. I think it’s difficult to step outside of the ideal mate we’ve crafted for ourselves and when we see a person initially, we immediately notice everything the person doesn’t have that’s clearly on our list. Lately, I’ve tried to check myself on doing that because ultimately I am seeking faithfulness to God and kindness from a person. If I count a person out because they are too tall (I prefer short men), then I might actually miss out on having a wonderful connection and experience with a person. I have a very strong preference for black men and unfortunately, it’s going to take a personal visit from Jesus for me to grasp something different. We can date and be friends; however, I can’t promise more than that. And maybe I’m really missing out. Other than that, I’m open to meeting kindness (wrapped in chocolate) and other preferences can take a backseat. I say all of this to tell you that’s it’s ok to ease up on the “list” just a little. Great blog.
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You know that I have felt the pain of being thrown into the modern dating world – and that I met my boyfriend through Tinder (of all places). I guess I have some advice here:
1) Don’t judge a book by its cover, within reason. If at least 1 or 2 pics and the little profile information they do provide don’t completely turn you off – but also don’t light a fire – give the poor guy a chance. When I was dating, if I wasn’t sure about the guy, I’d set up a coffee date. It’s casual and easy and doesn’t necessarily last more than 20 minutes. Also, is he doesn’t like coffee, he probably isn’t the one for me anyway.
2) Go in with absolutely no expectations. That’s how I’d approach every date, and I was never disappointed. I just made up my mind that I was going to have a good time no matter what because I am an awesome woman and he’s lucky to be spending time with me at all. And you are 1 of the most amazing women I’ve ever met.
Also, I completely agree on POF. I had 200 messages in the 1 day my profile was active. Add Match to that list. I have heard good things about those Events and Adventures singles events. You never know where or when you’ll meet someone special. And he’d be incredibly lucky to have you.
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Definitely on the not liking coffee…lol. But i hear you on the rest, Hermana. Thank you, I learn so much from women like you 😚
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I have tried a couple of dating sites and i find the whole thing to be so tiresome…It always feels like a job interview every time…Has anyone replied to my post, here I go with answering the same questions, do they give off the I am crazy vibe, or I just want a good time (sex) vibe, how long do we banter on this site before we exchange numbers, how am i gonna keep up when i give my number out to so many folks….UGH!!!!
I am at the point now where I am even doubting my own dating ability…Do I really know how to date in 2017??..I can’t answer all the questions plan the date time, location and duration make all the calls and so on and such..And if i hear one more grown man say that they have to be careful theae days as they have come across so many women that are only going out to get a free meal Im going to scream…
Vonn I too have bypassed all men that were non African American…like you said I don’t want to have to feel like I have to extra explain myself in situations…But I also think it is more of a “I like what i like” type of thing..No it’s not easy but the alternative isn’t looking any better..Oi Vey
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Yasss! I understand all of that! I hadn’t even thought about the phone number thing; mo problems. Sounds like we need to debrief over cocktails 🤣
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OH, I GET IT! “Bumble” as in Queen Bee…
(Yeah, that was bothering me.) Anyhoo…
What I find interesting is that I do not find/hear many men talking about using dating sites–and I can’t think of ANY Black man I know that admits it, at least. (Clearly, your swipes–and other convos I have had–indicate there are brothers out there.) Again, since my single life almost pre-dates the “brick phones”, my perspective may be a little skewed, but I think the advent of these “computer cupids” has–as technology does–shot the “dating” scene into another realm without no real transition. For the “youngins”, this pace is status quo. The “seasoned vet” (40 and up) has probably had a hard time. We grew up in times where ALL parties had a “slow song” section, guys made “slow jam” TAPES, and , if you did not like somebody you WALKED AWAY (…until you discovered the “next one”.), not “swiped” to the next one. Think about it…the dynamics of a “first impression” are no longer how they look across the Union Ballroom, DeJoie’s dance floor, the pews in church, etc…but what can be “experienced” in a pic and profile…before that thumbs casts judgement…AND you don’t know you are being “checked out”. “Back in da day”, you definitely knew when you “struck out”–and so did her girls and your boys…what a character builder! Also, that helped you learn what didn’t work much quicker. Just think how many “swipe victims” think they are killing the game and the “bites” are slow because they just posted their profile a week ago…not because of their sweater vest and creased jeans?
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De Joies! Wow you took it way back! The men are not owning up to it, but they are on it, trust. And I feel that just as the advent of Uber, Amazon and PeaPod have changed our lives, so has o online dating. Well not mine…yet 😉
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