Coffee in my left hand, 16 things in my right.

Here is a list of 16 things Chicago officials should actually be outraged about:

The missing postal worker who is in fact still missing

A reported 52 girls still listed as missing in the Chicago area

The lack of repercussions for officers who have murdered men and women in the street.

The light sentencing of an officer who murdered a young man on the street with 16 bullets

Millions of dollars that have been paid out by the city to settle police brutality cases

Property taxes that continue to soar

Schools that are poorly funded by said property taxes in poorer neighborhoods, but magically make their way safely to schools in higher property tax brackets

Underfunded teacher pensions

Those 50 schools that closed in black in brown neighborhoods

Aldermen who make lots of money and do the bare minimum for their wards

TIFs in neighborhoods that do not need TIF funding

Potholes big enough to damage your suspension

Letters sent to residents suggesting we should test our water for lead.

The ever-increasing taxes placed on phone and cable TV service

The extra taxes Chicagoans have to pay on gasoline, in addition to the Illinois taxes.

That even though you have had your 15 mins of national TV time, no amount of outrage will cover up that the investigation was leaked and botched to the highest degrees. You prioritized it over some of Chicago’s most pressing cases and were embarrassed by the outcome.

In the words of the great young prophet Kendrick Lamar; it’s time to be humble and sit down.

Coffee in my Left Hand, ‘same blog, who dis?’ in my Right.

Okay, I know it’s been a long (very long) time and I owe a few apologies.  First, to the friends and fellow bloggers who gently asked where was my pen; I’m sorry.  I always felt your words as encouraging and not a scolding, but nothing could flow until it flowed, ya know?  Second, to the readers who asked; God knows I appreciate you and I’m sorry. Thank you for letting Coffee In My Left Hand even cross your mind at all!  Lastly, I owe myself an apology; I’m sorry Vonn. I let the world throw us off our square, and we know better than to do that. Lesson Learned.

Heeeyyy!  Hopefully you knew to read that in a Cardi B voice and give it a little extra ‘I missed y’all so much’ vibe. If not, we’re both rusty and we’ll find our groove again in no time. It’s been over a year since I’ve written anything and it feels good to sit with you.  And I know you’ve got questions and deserve answers so let’s get into it:

Where have you been, Vonn?

I’ve been dealing with a personal issue that, off and on, took me off my creative lane.  I let worry, anxiety and boat loads of anger stifle my voice and no one is more upset about it than me.  A writer is to write no matter what, but when you write a humor blog, it’s hard to do that over a cloud of negativity.  I’m generally a positive person, so to live with that kind of anger, much less write within it, was difficult to say the least.  There’s a saying “what’s inside of you, comes out of you” and I couldn’t let what was inside of me spill out onto the page.

You alright now?

I’m good, better than ever.  Into everyone’s life some rain must fall. On a subconscious level we all know that, but when the rain is an undeserved tsunami, designed to intentionally hurt you, it can feel like the attack is never ending and only raining on your side of the street.  One thing I do know, is that all things work together for my good, and that I’m left better and wiser for having come out on top (insert Diddy’s ‘Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down’ here, and do the Diddy dance while you’re at it).

So are you back for good?

Yep.  Ghosting is not in my character, and I hate that I did. Part of the lesson was supposed to be “write no matter what” and I failed that test.  Fortunately, life only requires that we get back up, shake off the dust and continue with living. For me, living includes writing. Can’t promise I won’t stumble, but I won’t quit again.  

So, hopefully you’ll accept my apologies, and give me another chance to be a part of your weekly routine.  Between the anti-president and this banana republic we live in, the life and antics of my Mother, Chicago’s 215 mayoral candidates, Cardi’s Grammy win, J Cole’s new single and the world in general, I have lots to say. And, in the immortal words of Diddy, “can’t nobody hold me down”.


Coffee in my Left Hand, Angst in my Right 

Coffee in my Left hand, Angst in my Right

Hey Fam, I want to ask your indulgence for a quick sec; there may not be much funny in this post.  

I stay in these Twitter streets, and I’m seeing a lot of praise being heaped upon NBC for their “swift and decisive firing” of Matt Lauer.  For those of you disgusted with Twitter given the current Golfer in Chief and refuse to follow it, Ole Matt is the latest celebrity brought down in sexual assault allegations. He has taken the garden variety harassment up a notch and added toys and office dungeons to the mix. Way to lower the already disgusting bar, Matt.

Anyway, NBC claims he was fired after a 1 day investigation into these allegations; that they have a zero policy on harassment and assault.  This. Is. Bull Shiggedy. People are lauding NBC for taking such fast action in letting him go late at night, then announcing it first thing in the morning. Also. Caca. Del. Toro.

Two of the women brought this behavior to management and nothing happened.  Now, I know that H.R.’s job is to protect the company not the employee (if you didn’t know that; you’re welcome), but these allegations were strong enough to be acted upon. In recent months, both the New York Times and Variety magazine had been conducting investigations, including asking questions of former and current NBC staff to corroborate or dismiss the stories of Matt and his toys.

Are we really to believe that the network hadn’t heard of this investigation? Of their star? Really?

They knew, and they only acted swiftly once they had no choice; they were getting ahead of the story. No praise for them, no soup for them, no diggity no doubt for them either.

Variety also reported that there were games played around the office of a sexual, degrading nature; particularly “f*ck, marry, kill” within earshot of staff and crew. Special shout out to the anchors making the announcement yesterday morning looking so shocked and forlorn, like they haven’t known who he is from jump. The daytime Emmy goes to…

All of these men (there may be some women down the road, but for now it’s men) have one thing in common; power. There are no mailroom staff, or production runners or interns out here harassing people two paygrades above themselves. These crimes are being committed by, and being protected by, people in power situations.  There’s no job in the world where you could possibly think it is okay to expose yourself at work, and get away with it, unless you are sure there are no repercussions for ‘you’. It happens in fast food, corporate America and retail too, but the (filthy) common denominator is the power. The assurance that you are important enough to whatever company that they value you over the safety of the employee.  And that is the cusp of the problem; not valuing all human life the same. It’s a problem we’ve had here in America for a long time.

Coffee in my Left hand, Angst (more like pissed off) in my Right.